as_always_wtf

Cheesy lyrics post but so what? It's my journal. :P

Just when I believed I couldn’t ever want for more
This ever changing world pushes me through another door
I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase the beauty of you face
Just for awhile
Won’t you let me shelter you

Hold on to the nights
Hold on to the memories
I wish that I could give you something more
That I could be yours

How do we explain something that took us by surprise
Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise
What happens now
Do we break another rule
Let our lovers play the fool
I don’t know how
To stop feeling this way

Well, I think that I’ve been true to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
Everytime I look into your eyes, I’m helplessly aware
That the someone I’ve been searching for is right there

Hold on to the nights


*L* She's got me listen to all kinds of 80's love songs, this one being one of them. Oddly enough she picked it out for an RP we're involved in, and I just happened to decide it was perfect for how I feel about her. :)

Big update for the one person who reads this. >.> Actually I know of one other person but he doesn't have it friended so no one finds me. Aww! *loves*

Well where to begin? Valentines Day I suppose, actually before I made my last entry. I just didn't feel like putting this all down at the time.

To make a long story short Ryan found out. He found an email where I'd told my confidant about confessing to my friend that I loved her and her saying she feels the same. He found this while I was taking a nap and when I woke up I knew something was wrong but it was probably an hour before he'd tell me. It was very painful, but just for the record we haven't broken up. Still, y'know we've been together four and a half years (a little more now) and I never knew how he really felt until that night. He cried, he told me how much he loved me, how scared he was that I was going to leave him. Just once he told me I had to choose but he didn't say it again after that. He did say "I'm not like Mike, I can't share you" which wasn't unexpected. (Mike is a friend of ours. He's part of a poly relationship where his wife has a girlfriend.) He also told me that he wasn't going to try and stop me from being friends with this girl because he knew that would just drive me away from him.

I hate that that's how it came out but in a sense I'm glad for it. I'm glad it's out anyway. He knows I love her and he knows what lead me to fall in love with her. He even admitted that no, he's not a romantic or overly emotional person and he never will be.

After that we both were acting like we had a lot to make up to the other. But also aside from him bringing it up a couple times that was that. He's even said since then that things like that are bound to happen. O_O Basically I think that he is so afraid of losing me he's keeping me on a long leash and maybe just maybe turning a blind eye. O_O

How do I feel? Good question. I didn't cry when he cried which is bizarre because I'm a very emotional person. His confession of how much I mean to him scared me. I didn't realize he relied on me that much. In a sense I'm suddenly feeling like I'm too young and immature for this. It's funny, you feel so grown up then you realize you're 24, you're still young and suddenly you notice a huge chunk of your life you never got to live. Selfish? Maybe, but hey this is my journal and I can be honest, right? Right. I love him, but I don't know if I'm what he really needs. He has his faults, a fuckton of them even, but I still feel he deserves better.

Off the topic of him and onto the topic of her. What's happened with us? Well for a while she was feeling very guilty about coming between us, but I told her she shouldn't worry. Our virtual affection (hugs, pounces, tackles, etc.) has been slowly escalating. It's nothing hot 'n heavy but they've turned into cuddles and snuggles, occasionally holding each other... y'know the best way one can over AIM. We tell each other we love each other and I'm wondering how things are going to go in June.

June is when I'm going to have to decide what's what. She's going to be with me for a week, four days of which (three nights) will be in a hotel in NJ away from my boyfriend. She's already told me she had thoughts of me climbing into bed with her and cuddling her, something we'd both love. I don't get that with Ryan, he's not (as I said) overly effectionate. I asked if she'd freak out if I told her I loved her in person and she said no. Who knows what any of this will actually come to. When we're not adoring each other I'm spending time with Ryan and she's trying to find a boyfriend of her own. I don't think we were meant to be together... but maybe she was meant to tell me where I don't belong?

I don't know. I do love Ryan. I love her. I spend a lot of time confused but also a lot of time ridiculously happy. Right now I'm trying not to worry, trying to just take things a day at a time and seeing where they lead.

I confessed to her.

She loves me too.

<3

I have so much on my mind that no one even knows about. No one but a bunch of strangers in a LJ community. I have to say though that these strangers have been incredibly supportive and helpful.

They're all telling me to do the same thing though and I'm not sure it's something I can do.

[Edit] Ugh that's vague and vague isn't what I want to be, not in this journal. I'm sorry.

It comes down to I need to discuss things with my boyfriend and we either need to work them out or end them. This... I don't care how strong other people think I am this is something I can't do! I mean maybe I can... I don't know.

I love him, I really do. There are a lot of flaws in our relationship that I'm trying to ignore because it's just easier that way and everyone is now telling me that I can't just ignore them. I guess I knew that all along but knowing something and really paying attention to the fact are two different things.

I called the good ole' best friend and mentioned introspective emotional coffee chat tonight. Every now and then we do that and he gets caught up on everything that's been going on in my head. Poor poor man... but maybe it will help, I don't know.

There's so much more than anyone knows though, more than I'm afraid to admit. I love my boyfriend but I also know that when I list why I can't leave him some of it is related to convenience. I know that's bad, but that's the way it is.

Fek, I'm going to bury myself in a hole or something.

I posted this in my Gaia journal and I'm leaving it the way it was written. It's vague because she'll be reading it. The thing is, I have a friend that fits the vague profile I give so odds are she'll think it's him. This other guy is someone I've known for five years or so, he is very quiet, very sheltered... he's my age and has never even kissed a girl, human contact scares him. :( But yes, I intentionally worded it so that it was ambiguous.

---

I was doing deep thought-ish stuff at the grocery store yesterday. Yesterday... wasn't good. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me sometimes but there seems to be something in me that likes to fuck shit up.

It was a simple question, he wanted to know where I wanted to go out for lunch. The only problem is the one place I wanted to go was the one place he didn't want to go. I could have told him I wanted to go there and he would have taken me, but I can't do that. So I told him I didn't care where we went. This means that nothing sounded good and thus I didn't really want to go anywhere in particular. *sigh* That's when things went bad. He kept asking me "how about ___", which is what I didn't want him to do. Nothing sounded good, so of course I didn't want to go any of those places! If he just took me somewhere I would have however found something to eat. So finally I snapped and told him I didn't want to go anywhere.

That began my on and off bad mood that continued throughout the day. Why did I do that? I'll admit Ryan's in the wrong a lot but this time he wasn't. So what the hell is my problem? Then something hit me... this is all just bits of brain fluff but... well obviously they're important enough to share.

I need to be the victim. I've been having thoughts about what's wrong in our relationship for a long time. The things that are wrong will more than likely never be fixed so I just have to learn to live with them. But if I were to drive him away then he would be the one to leave. It would take it out of my hands, I would be the victim and I wouldn't have a choice in the matter. I would be heartbroken and crushed, I would regret ever doing it but all of my worries would have been taken care of. On top of that I'd have the support and love of those around me because (as I've said) I'd be the victim.

I thought about this a great deal while we were out since we also went to Blockbuster and the grocery store. I eventually got into a better mood though it went in and out all day. I'm not saying I want Ryan to leave me... I don't think I do.

If you read an entry I did a while back you'd know that I've also been dealing with romantic feelings for another friend of mine who is too... sheltered I suppose to really be told. I don't want to ruin the friendship and I have a feeling that knowing would. I know that if they could come out of their shell a little and learn to accept things (which is nothing I would ever expect, some things weren't meant to be accepted) then they would be my "perfect" mate almost. Someone I could love and protect, someone who would cuddle with me and love me without the constant need for sex and groping and... ugh. But that'll never happen. My feelings for them can never go anywhere, I'm not disillusioned in this. Yet my feelings for them seem to really make me notice the problems me and Ryan have.

I think this is the reason for my constant and seemingly random bouts of depression lately. I sometimes wonder if I never got these feelings would things be fine between me and Ryan but I know they wouldn't.

There's a situation here, and yet their isn't. And telling them how I feel isn't an option. They'd leave me and I couldn't handle that.

Oh! I had to post this! I got it of all places from a balljoint doll photostory but it made me soooo squeely. The photostory involved a guy realizing he'd fallen in love with another guy, and he's being talked to by a (very gay) angel.


"Love is love, when it presents itself, does the form it takes really matter in the end ?

There's one thing I've learned in all my years and that is to be true to your heart. You don't get many chances at true love, If it's found you, why cause yourself pain by denying it. You'll regret it in the end... "

First off this is bizarre... I'm sorta kinda trying to set the woman I love (but can't have) up with a friend of mine. I'm not playing matchmaker but I've "introduced" them I guess through LJ. And it's funny, I'm talking to them both in IMs about each other.

This has the potential to get awkward, but I'm not worrying about that right now.

And I told him I'd scan the valentines day card she gave me. <3 My own boyfriend and I aren't doing anything for v-day but this was a mutual decision. Later she asked me if I'd think it was weird if she sent me something and I told her no, so I sent her something as well. Her gift to me was a gigantic coffee mug with coffee and heart shaped chocolates along with a really sweet card. My gift to her was (on a budget) a mix cd of various songs saying how much she means to me. ^^ Oh and a card, but mine wasn't overly sentimental or anything.

So the card...

( biggish image )

She makes me feel so loved. ^^

I saw Brokeback Mountain last night and it really hit close to home. Not with the whole gay cowboy sex thing of course, with the other bit.

I could identify with being with someone, living your life with them because you knew that's how it should be when you really weren't sure. Ennis especially, he had his wife and children at home, he knew that's where he should be and he refused to leave it even for the man he loved. I won't go into that any farther since I don't want to spoil the movie.

But that's how I feel, only it doesn't matter that I can't be with the woman I love because she doesn't love me back. It's just... she's said that she wishes she could find a guy like me. Then why not me? I am seriously a bundle of conflicted emotions and thoughts when it comes to this.

I'm with my boyfriend, he's my security, my chance at a good life with a family and all that, but there's a lot missing from our relationship that I don't think I'll ever get a chance to have.

I wish that she'd just give in. I honestly believe by now that she feels SOMETHING she just doesn't want to admit it even to herself. Maybe she doesn't know it but damnit something is there. Could she just give in to that while she's here? I know it would be wrong but I don't care.

her: *snuggles*
me: ^^
her: Sometimes I think I don't deserve you.
me: *melts*
Really, what do you say to that?
me: But you do, trust me. You deserve better even... in guy form...
her: I've never had anyone be so good to me in my life, and I've always thought I'd always be alone.
me: *blush*
You deserve it. You deserve more but y'know... :P
her: Heh. *smiles* I wish I could find a guy who would treat me just as well.
me: Someday you will, I'm sure. I'd offer to get a sex change but y'know you'd probably find that really weird...
And I kinda like being a girl.
her: lol
me: ^^

*sigh*

She accidentally sent her PM confessing her love to this guy to me. It's not like I THOUGHT she was saying it to me, we tell each other we love each other all the time but it's friendly.

I know it wasn't friendly with him.

Try to ignore it, just try to freakin' ignore it.

her: I know you should be going to bed, but I don't want you to. *clings*
me: I don't want to either. :-(
her: Though I'll have to go to bed soon too. :-(
me: *clings*
Wow... we ARE clingy! :P
her: *giggles*


Yes yes... it's silly and simple but it's the little things. And I'm posting this here instead of my "real" journal becuase I don't want them to get sick of me spamming it with this stuff. I <3 this girl.

I feel crushed. It's funny, even when you're already in love with someone you can still get your heart broken by someone else and it hurts just as much. And she has no idea.

Goddamnit I want to be happy for her, and I keep saying I'm happy for her. She loves this guy... and I guess that's okay I mean he hasn't exactly been going out of his way to keep in touch with her and personally I don't think he's good enough but of COURSE I don't. I'm just a stupid jealous girl who fell in love with a freakin' heterosexual female NOT that it matters because I'm in a completely monogamous relationship of four and a half years with a GUY.

God though... I forgot how much it hurts. That tight feeling in your chest, the inability to speak and the constant fighting of tears. You want to pretend it's okay but you just can't so the first thought is to run. Just log off AIM log off everything and go hide, maybe write some bad goth poetry.

I haven't hurt like this since high school. I thought those days were over.

God this is retarded. And the stupidest part is she broke my heart and she'll never know it.

I probably won't update this journal but here is an idea of who I am.

I am a woman who is in a four year relationship with a man who believes in monogamy 100%.

I am a woman who has fallen for another woman who isn't homophobic but doesn't agree with homosexuality.

I would be the happiest person in the world if she fell in love with me and he let me "keep her".

I have no problem talking about this. I want to talk about it, that's why I have this journal. I know I'm not alone in my feelings but it's easy to feel that way...

I don't know that I'll even update this journal, as I don't think anyone will be reading it.

I have a filter on my "real" journal for personal things but there are communities I'd like to join that I want to keep from the people off that filter. If you'd like to read my journal just leave a comment here and I'll friend you on my "real" journal. I always welcome new friends!